I Always Wanted To Be A Tenenbaum.

We are alive.

Our unborn child’s due date has come and gone. I’ve given up the idea of going into labor spontaneously and am planning everything around my induction this weekend. Four more sleeps until sleepless nights become the norm. There’s still a lot to process with the end so close in sight…

Wayde and I went on a little impromptu date last night. Thai food at Fawn’s, a quick walk around Gray’s Lake, and a screening of The Tree of Life at Fleur Cinema. The last time we went on this date was for my 28th birthday. I was pregnant, but didn’t know it yet.

Anyway, it was a great night. My husband has been such a support these past few days and I am so blessed to be going on this journey with him.

Marriage.

Last night, Wayde & I participated in session #1 of a four week course on marriage through our church. I can’t say that I particularly felt the need to attend, nor did I take much away from our first night of class, but it opened up some interesting conversations between the Hubby & me afterwards.

Hopes & dreams were discussed. Specifically, what is God’s purpose for our marriage? What can we accomplish together for the Kingdom? What our some of our goals as a couple?

We are on the brink of acheiving one of my major life goals this year—parenthood. Our baby is due to arrive in approximately 46 days, so I’m trying to check off every last thing on my to-do list. I’ve packed up my craft room & all of the pretty vintage dresses that used to fit me pre-pregnancy.

I’m as excited as I am terrified of becoming a mother.

And now I must figure out where my desires/ our goals fit into this new picture—our longings to create, to travel, to serve.

I’ll admit though, it’s much easier going through life without any goals too lofty to come into fruition.

Scent.

On the day of the royal wedding, Kate Middleton wore a frangrance called White Gardenia Petals by Illuminium. The perfume immediately sold out worldwide.

So what did it smell like? I needed to know. Then I realized that this urge, in an age of instant gratification, could not be satisfied. I couldn’t google it. If it wasn’t available on shelves anywhere, it could take weeks (or months) of waiting & searching department stores to experience one squirt of the illusive liquid.

Then I realized something else.

I truly appreciate the fact that even in this age of instant gratification, the sense of smell cannot be immediately conjured. Which makes it almost precious, in a way. Scent is, after all, our strongest sensory memory.  That people, places, and things can revisit us unexpectedly at the whiff of one particular smell.

Just a thought.

Story.

Last night as I was laying in bed, I racked my brain for memories of my childhood.

Rust colored towels over a basement window. A broken cookie jar. Dick & Jane books. A clawfoot tub that doubled as a sailboat.

It’s strange to think that those remnants were the beginning of my story…that I was once that little girl and my life as it is now is what ended up happening to her.

Progress.

I just wanted to pop in and post a quick update since my last post. The day after publishing my struggles with community, I spent that evening doing two different things with two different friends. I was so pleased that my little prayer had been answered that I put off all my chores & Market Day preparations for the night.

Which I might add, was quite the success! Thank God. I put so much work into my booth during July and I really felt like it paid off. Not only did I get to do what I enjoy in selling my wares and merchandising a little pop-up shop, but I got to reconnect with friends and actual make amends with another. One person in particular I had sort of addressed in my previous post to.

If crossing people off a proverbial list is the goal though, I’ve still got my work cut out for me. And maybe it’s just letting them go. God is good and he’s guiding me through this process. My pride has got in the way for long enough.

Righting Wrongs.

Jesus said, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” ( Matthew 5:23-24 ).

Where does animosity fit into all this?

“I know we haven’t connected in months and it feels weird whenever I see you, so…..I’m sorry?”

Do you send a text? Write them a Facebook message? What if they just don’t want you to be a part of their world anymore? That seems to be the case with me. There’s a handful of people who have simply shut me out, and for reasons I can’t seem to pinpoint.

I try to follow the teachings of Christ. And Christ’s teachings encourage community. The deep sense of loneliness I experience echos of it’s importance. Yet, I SUCK at relationships.

Thank God for the people who have pursued me; who are relentless in keeping our friendship. They are few, but for them, I am grateful.

TV Dinners.

Last night, Wayde made pan-friend turkey burgers w/ pepper cheese, pablano peppers, and avocado.

I am so lucky to have a husband that is willing to shut the television off and have a meal at the dinnertable with me.

Smoke.

Shared a cigarette last night with the hubby outside our apartment building. It felt like we were dating again. The night was so peaceful.

Honestly, the thing I miss most about smoking is the social aspect. Intentionally setting aside that time to go outside with a friend. The conversations born out of it. 

I couldn’t help but be filled with a deep sense of remorse afterwards though. Thinking back on all the things I inhaled when I didn’t care about the damage it was doing to my body. I sincerely hope it doesn’t all catch up to me later.

God, I’m so sorry.

Heart Shaped Box.

In response to a question regarding the death of Kurt Cobain, Courtney Love once said that “it doesn’t get easier; it just gets further away.”

With that, I am in agreement.

The only way it ever gets easier is if you’re in a place where there’s nothing to remind you of what happened. Or if you’re strong enough to put the past behind you. Some seasons are better than others. Entire days will go by without it entering into your mind. But it’s a battle, none the less.

“ABOVE ALL ELSE, GUARD YOUR HEART, for it is the WELLSPRING of LIFE” (Proverbs 4:23).

Because I think everyone knows now how hard it is to clean up an oil spill…